It’s awful to break up a family.

My youngest travels back and forth between my house. My mom and brother don’t talk to my ex. I have little to do with her if it doesn’t involve our kids. Our extended families are separate. Tomorrow I’ll have a dinner that includes my oldest but not my youngest as he goes to his mom’s house. These little changes hurt.

At the same time, I’m freer and more myself than I have ever been. My sexuality, my living space, my free time and hobbies, my finances, are now more my own than ever.

My girlfriend recently asked if I was more happy or more sad now that I’m divorced. I said “yes.” It’s both. I’m so much happier and so much sadder than I ever was before. There’s all these little paradoxes with the divorce. The divorce was an immensely growing experience that opened me up. It was also the most painful experience of my life, including when I had appendicitis.

Another paradox. I still love my ex. One would think that because I still have love, care and respect for her as a person, that we could still maintain some kind of relationship, that we could have friends. It’s how I always envisioned things going if we ever separated. I know some couples are able to pull that off. At least for now, I’m not able to.

Every time I think about how much I miss her, how I would love to sit down and have dinner or give her a hug, how my heart still swells for gratitude and appreciation for the time we had together, I get stuck. Because then I am overtaken by the fact that despite everything we were to each other, and to be a little self-serving, all the things I sacrificed for her, she still chose to leave. I think of all the little ways my sense of self was eroded over the years, my wants, desires and needs were secondary to hers. And she still chose to leave. And the love I feel now, the missing her, feel very dangerous, very vulnerable. I have hurt so much for my love for her, that I don’t trust that love anymore. I don’t want to punish her or fight with her. I don’t want to see her unhappy. But I don’t have an ounce of energy to sacrifice or the slightest amount of thick skin to allow to be harmed by her. My love for her, both past and present, is dangerous to me now. My love feeds my anger and grief.

My love keeps me away.

Photo by Dynamic Wang on Unsplash